The Inferno of Endless Literature

Existence is so lovely isn't it? The air is crisp (with no humiditiy), the weather is beautiful and the birds are singing. And then you go to Relapse Prevention Group and get raped in the ass with a giant dildo. Thats exactly what happened last night (metaphorically speaking of course).

Maryann (the group therapist) just decided to bring up pretty much every problem I have and quiz me on it. I was crying halfway through. I wanted to strangle her then strangle myself and run screaming through the streets pulling my hair. I couldn't leave because that would be considered bad and I would be blasted for my instability and thus have more time on house restriction. My suite mate Asa recently got off and everyone's beginning to wonder as to why I am not off of it. I'm too embarressed to omit to people that I'm a pathological liar and I crave constant attention because it has this bad stigma to it. Like when in the 8th grade all the kids cut themselves and went around broadcasting it to everyone they could find. Thats how ridiculous people act with Borderline Personality Disorder. Thats how ridiculous I act. I don't go to cutting myself but I get into other moronic behaviors. Thats basically what Maryann brought up last night and unfortunately I have no experience with people calling me out on that certain lame topic so I starting balling out of humiliation and self hatred. I try not to act that way but its such an impulsion that I can't help myself. It's along the lines of drug addiction.

I've been religiously reading my DBT book in unison with working with the staff in helping me cope with my behaviors. I'm going crazy. I need a vacation. I need to lie on the beach all day and not think about anything. But theres no running from this, because that only leads to chaos and eventually death.

I'm going to make it out of here and I'm going to be recovered from my retarded issues. I will be in the world and some of the people here won't make it while others I will once again see.

I have the strength.

Yesterday was quite a strange day indeed. I had a pretty good day for most of it and at the end I had to top it off with an NA meeting (bla). Anyway during the meeting I was voicing my opinion about how Catholocism is evil and completely destroyed my self esteem. We were talking about step three (giving your life over to God) and I was mentioning how I have a difficult time with that concept.

Anyway some guy raises his hand and starts blasting what I said. Everyone tells me I was being paranoid and that I take things too personally (which is true) but I KNOW that he was targeting me. He was saying how "ALL ADDICTS HAVE A FUCKED UP SENSE OF GOD AND IF THAT THE STEPS OF NA ARE MEANT TO BE SIMPLE AND IF YOU ARE STUCK ON ONE STEP YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO OUT AND USE". He was basically saying this in a very angry tone and almost screaming. He seemed like he was mocking me. I felt so damn hideous during the entire thing. I think I somewhat offended him too when I said that the Catholics ruined my life (as he was obviously Irish Catholic looking). I don't really know but I decided to just leave because he was pissing me off. Same with NA. I'm getting extremely annoyed with it. It fucking works but its goddamn stupid sometimes.

Anyway so I was outside meditating (part of my "therapeutic plan") and kind of going off into my own world. This guy comes up to me and hes like "is there an AA meeting?".

"No there is an NA meeting at the moment"

So he walks towards the door, does this double take, kind of pauses for a moment then comes back.

"How long have you been sober?"

So we go into this whole conversation about this and I mention that I don't have a sponsor. He starts to push the idea on me that he should be my sponsor even though hes only had 8 months and hes mostly an alcoholic not a drug addict. So I told him that I'm gay and I should have a female sponsor and he starts saying shit about how "we have things in common" and that maybe a male sponsor would be better. The entire time I had this feeling like he was hitting on me. FYI he was extremely cute but I'm in no need for an unconventional sponsor hook up sex. Or at least conning me into seeing him so he can "13th step" me. Thats a term used when someone of a longer sobriety status tries to get the weaker, vulnurable early recovery addict to get in bed with them. Its kind of a shitty move. I'm not sure if this was the point but I just got these insane vibes. And I don't usually get them that often.

He ended up giving me his number and told me to call him. I'm not sure If I will or not. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it. Plus some kids at the house told me it would probably not be a good idea because usually its more of a point for a person to attain their own sponsor and not be pressured into have a certain person be theres. I don't know it was all extremely sketchy.

But I guess it made for an interesting night comparable to the boring bullshit I have to deal with every day.

Hmmm

I'm starting to go crazy. I've been stuck in this house for two weeks and have had to put up with random people's bullshit. Living with 20 other addicts is so damn tiring. I'm going to go MAD with my cabin fever. I NEED normal people. I'm in desperation.

Yesterday I had a fun day though. I went go karting, played some mini golf, went on the driving range, and then into the batting cages. I also freaked out the chick behind the counter at the park we went to.

I basically starting "hitting" on her. In a gay way though. "I love your highlights!" She was flattered.

Then I came back and leaned over the counter and got real close to her. There was this really hot guy 5 feet away.

"Damn that guy is so hot, what do you think" (By this time the guy had scooted out).

"Umm *face turns red* I didn't really..umm...see him" (quickly walks away)

After I walked out the staff who was with us (who was right there) was like "that was interesting, did you do that on purpose?"

And I was like "nah I just like to connect with pretty girls"

That was the highlight of my day. Lately I've become more social. But sometimes it wavers on the line of creepiness. Like I've totally forgot social norms after being in the wilderness for 2 months. Everyone there farted constantly, talked about their bowl movements, masturbated everywhere, constantly brought up the topic of hot girls, and pissed on the ground. There really is no social norms in the wilderness. I'm going to have to tame myself. Especially around innocent girls. I just haven't been around them so long that when I start talking to one I go crazy. And plus the girls back in boston didn't mind when I started blabbering about wet hot cunts. I mean they were shocked at first but afterwards I constantly heard "ohhh its just matt".

I'm going to visit home this summer and hang out with people and just start vomiting up crazy shit. It will be held so long inside of me that I'll just burst. When I burst on girls behind counters at go kart parks then shit happens. Oh great they'll probably bring it up in community group. My lack of mind filtering.

FYI! I'm getting my celly tomorrow so everyone be prepared for my calls this coming week. Next week I'm camping in the Moab desert so I'll be gone. Yep with Scorpions and rumor has it black widows. I'll have to check my shoes every morning!

Love

Why is it that male lifeguards are ridulously hot?

I ventured into the North Boulder pool today. It was GIGANTIC. It had a motherfucking slide that went up like three floors. The kind of slides you see in water parks.

I didn't really care for the slides though as most of the time I was drooling over the two male lifeguards. Sitting there, shirtless, barefoot (don't ask), and with those giant red object things that lifeguards clutch. That wasn't really sexual but the thought of them holding an object in there hand is somewhat satisfying. I warn you all of my oncoming perverseness on livejournal. I am too sexually frustrated with all these guys in the house and I have to filter the sexual thoughts running in my hand. Too much word vomit=too many scared straight boys.

Once I get damn friends out of this place then I won't have to worry. But I need some conversation in my life. I'm sick of looking through the sports illustrated magazines and picking which models have "hotter tits". Most of my reactions were they were fake. That proves my gayness. Or the fact that I hung around lots of girls. Or the fact that tits disgust me.

Anyway I'm horny and I'm going to talk about lots of cocks on livejournal in the next month.

NEED TO GO TO THE BANK

WILL WRITE LATER

Arg today brought up a lot of memories. Some of the people here are ridiculously stupid. So I was thinking about how much I'd love to be with my friends. Or chilling like old times at Beacon at the smoking corner. I feel as if some people here think I'm annoying. Probably because their not used to Bostonians. I'm going to make myself believe that in desperation of my slowly dissolving sanity.

Thats not exactly true because I'm very sane but the people here drive me crazy. Even the gay guys. One of the guys is so fucking bitchy (the gay one). Hes one of those enormously annoying picky guys that hope to date the kind of people he will never attain. So if anyone under his radar is even remotely not his type he completely shuts them out. He says these snide absurd things to me and I sometimes imagine myself going across the room and strangling him. Hes also insanely rich so he buys a shit ton of designer shit on his daddy's credit card. Wait I used to do that. But anyway I'm going to nail him because I'm pissed at his random annoyance of me. I feel so lonely sometimes! I shouldn't expect instant results after being here for a week but at least people don't have to INSTANTLY judge me. DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER!

But there are some cool guys here. Some interesting stories but I'll have to relay that through private means. Or not. But I only have like 10 minutes on this damn shitbox so I can't really do that now.

I want to sit in a panty circle and talk juicy gossip whilst eating large amounts of chocolate! John Tucker Must Die! Terrible movie but it masters the art of panty circles perfectly. I miss girls! I miss all my girls! I want some PUSSY! In an indirect way of course. I was not brainwashed in rehab to be straight don't worry.

According to one of the therapists here I should be "less open about my homosexuality". WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! I felt like spitting in her face. Apparently people are "uncomfortable". There was like one time where I spoke of hooking up with a guy, kissing, no tounge, and everyone went into the bathroom and huddled in the shower stalls out of there outrageous fears of gay people. I wish Adlai was here he would have some smart ass comment to say.

I'm going to have to get off in a second because of bullshitosity. Or the rules pertaining the computer use. But I'm glad to hear from everyone in the east coast. EAST COAST REPRESENT. No I was not brainwashed to act ghetto in rehab. But I miss the east coast terribly. Colorado sucks sometimes.

It will hopefully get better.

I am not complaining though because nothing too drastic has happened.

Wow so I had a completely exhilerating two months. I just spent the last eight weeks in the wilderness making traps to catch animals, eating shitty food, and falling into creeks during knee high creek crossings. It was an intensity of bullshit that I've ever been through in my life. At some points I felt like dying. Especially when I was caught in the middle of a storm when we are on fire ban (meaning no fires) and having to stay up having a fucking group about some kid who stole his brother's lighter. All of the kids there were heroine addicts or addicted to oxycontin, I was the only damn speed freak. I was also the only gay kid. Thank God I did not have any sort of physical attraction to any of them. Except one who is so cute because every time he laughs he kind of sticks his tounge out.

Anyway my parents won't let me come home still. So I was shipped from North Carolina to here in Boulder, Colorado. I'm living at AIM House which is a long term residential (no wilderness anymore thank god) with 20 other boys that have drug problems. Right now I'm under house restriction so I can't go out but after two weeks I'm allowed to venture into Boulder. Boulder is a pretty sick town. It has pretty much everything you could imagine. Its pretty wealthy even though theres a large amount of homeless people living about. Its kind of strange. I'm probably going to enroll into the University of Colorado here. The funny part is I'm living in this old sorority house. Its gigantic too. I haven't gotten my laptop (since I don't have the privelages) or my cell phone so theres limited contact. I really only have a half hour on this computer. I want to hear from everybody though! I'm going to be calling some folk later on. I can't wait to here the bostonions of my life. Everyone here is either western or southern. It was kind of a shock to run across someone who voted for Bush in the last election. I mentally slapped him.

The bad news is I'm probably going to live here for a couple of years. I will eventually visit home but my parents refuse to let me stay in the house. I'm going to live in this house for six months and then there is a step down house (more of a halfway house) afterwards. The step down house you basically live on your own and make up your own rules but you still have to give random drug tests. I have to give a breathaliser test every time I come home here. I'm required to attend AA/NA meetings every day for the next two weeks with a staff member. The young peoples meeting is pretty nice here. In Boston it consists of a bunch of 50 year olds. Probably 3/4 of the room at young people's meetings are 18-26 year olds since this is basically a college town. People tell me this is a giant partying town so I'll have a hard time abstaining. I guess thats why they put us on house restriction the first two weeks.

Well my time is pretty much up so I have to bounce. I'll be on and off from now on so leave me a message or email me at chromaticnight@hotmail.com. I'm going to have to sort through my email tomorrow which is going to be hell considering I haven't been on it in two months.

:)

So I'm getting ready for my big trip. I'm going to miss so many fucking people. There really has been so many good times with or without drugs. I was with my father this afternoon going on Christmas Eve errands and while he was in the hardwood store I was sitting in his car reminiscing big time. I'm going to miss Alli, she has been my best friend for months. We get fucked up a lot lately but the whole summer we were sober and we had really good times. We're basically a married couple and we always joke about it. I'm going to miss Krystyna, shes been my other best friend and the love of my life for years. She was the first person I came out too, she made it so much easier. I'm going to miss Adlai and him constantly making fun of me but sometimes being so sweet and thoughtful. I'll have to find someone to fill his spot. It's impossible though. Anna Rock is going to be in my heart. She has helped me so much and always makes me feel like I'm actually worth it. Molli is my "hippie girl" even though she really isn't. Even though I'm not the biggest fan of hippies shes the only one I love and adore and I can't wait to come back and see her. We can go boy shopping! Ahna is going to be in my heart because she has significantly affected me. I remember once she said "Matt I'll always love you and respect you with or without drugs" I didn't tell her but that made me so damn happy I felt like crying. Carly is my girl and shes the CRAZY girl in my life that I need. Like the time I let her drive my car with six other people in it and she nearly killed us. I need some adrenaline Carly.

If I commit to this it will probably be about eight months. Most likely I will not come back to Beacon instead getting my GED and I hope this will not affect our relationships. I want to come back (most likely next summer) and just chill with you guys all the time and have fun not getting fucked up. We've done that so many times. Like Dirk's birthday was amazing. I remember sitting there and thinking I don't need beer or uppers to enjoy this because I already am.

If I left anyone out I'm sorry I'm just too caught up in the moment to have a memory.

Wish Me Luck

P.S. I just thought of you Nicole! I know we haven't chilled in forever but when I get back it'll be like old times. Watching movies, doing crazy shit in the city. I think your so much funny and SOOOO funny. :)

So I pretty much found out which program I'm going into. Its most likely that I'll be in North Carolina at Four Circles Recovery. Its a hybrid wilderness program meaning for one week we stay in a lodge, two weeks we go camping in the woods, and then another week in the lodge and so on and so forth. Everyone is telling me that I will be most successful in a wilderness program. Thats funny because most people know that I loathe camping. But at least I won't be stuck in a hospital like rehab for 8 weeks. That by the way is how long the program is; 8 weeks. Afterwards I will most likely be placed in a residential for 6 months. I'm leaving next Wednesday since all flights are booked for Christmas this week.

I talked to the clinical director at the program. They provide us with all materials and shit. Thats nice I guess. Also for the two weeks we're camping we don't take showers. That sucks. I decided that I don't want my hair to be a constant bedridden smelly mess so I'm getting it all cut off either tomorrow or Friday. Thats right I'm buzzing it all off. Its going to be a blast. Not.

I'll probably come home and sit on the couch feeling my hair saying "where did it go?" I'll be so shocked I won't remember it was me who hacked it off.

*sigh*

It just gets worse.

Everything.

I don't know if I can do it.

I want to run away and live on the streets addicted to crystal meth.

I don't care if I have to fuck sleazebags for cash.

Give men with limp dicks some pleasure they don't deserve.

On Friday I overdosed on Adderoll. I was so upset. I broke into my fathers safe and was deciding whether or not to take all of his xanax or all of his adderoll. I didn't really want to die so I took his adderoll. I remember I sped out like crazy for about twenty minutes. Then I suddenly felt abnormally tired. My bones felt so weak. I was standing up one minute in front of the Christmas tree and then all of the sudden a second later I was on the floor in front of the coffee table with vomit and wierd white stuff coming out of my mouth. I tried to make it to the phone to call my parents but I couldn't so I just fell asleep on the couch. My parents came home and couldn't wake me up. They noticed the safe was broken and the adderoll container empty so they took me to the emergency room. I was there FOREVER with goddamn IVs and shit. I never came down so hard in my life. I was crying practically the whole time.

It was a stupid decision but sometimes I wish I could just fall into a coma for a while so I don't have to deal with shit. My friends hate me. They'll soon forget about me. But everyone says its good because all they think about is how they will get their next high. I'm fucking sick of this.

...

Some unfortunate news.

I came home throwing up all day on sunday. It was baddddd. I passed out at one point on my bathroom floor. My parents think I had a seizure. But afterwards my mother was PISSED. She drug tested me and amphetamines came up positive. I had been doing them all night and drinking vodka. Badddd idea. Anyway the next day at school I went into the wellness room and refused to come out. My mother talked to Adam extensively and when I came home later my parents had an intervention.

They said either out of the house or rehab. They called this lady and she came today.

I'm probably going to a 6-8 month residential in Utah. I mean I should quit drugs and all but its scary I guess. I might be leaving next week.

once I find out all the details I'll tell you guys.

I really need to do something with my hair. I realized I fucking hate it. Its so goddamn bad. Maybe I should just buzz it all fucking off.

or not

today was stupid

tomorrow will be better

This is one of those moments where I see pictures of people whom I absolutely, positively, am jealous of. I sit here and think of all my flaws and their wonderful traits. I sit and think how they have a much more interesting life than I do. I sit here and think they can get in with the "gay world" and I am too scared to even take a step into that environment. I'm too scared to take a step with any goddamn guy.

Some of you may know who I'm talking about. Thank God Alli doesn't read this (and this is why I'm saying this at the moment because she'll never see it and think I'm a whiny bitch). I was writing on her wall on facebook and I noticed that her really good friend Dan (who lives in California) is on her top friends...and I'm not. Now the reason I get so insanely jealous is because Dan is the shit. Hes the first flamboyantly gay guy that I would have sex with. Hes so fucking beautiful. Hes so much fun to hang out with. I've only been chilling with Alli constantly for like six months. But I feel like its been years. I feel like I really know her. She is one of my best friends and I only have two. Her and Krystyna. I sometimes just get really self-conscious. Like what if Dan came back. Would he be her new gay friend? I just want to slit my wrists when I think about how much better he is than me. Its so fucking horrible I know. AND I'VE ONLY KNOWN HIM FOR ONE DAY. This is how strong my emotions are. ESPECIALLY jealously.

Whenever I get into a new environment I always head right to the girls. I don't even think of cute boys I try to find potential best friends. Then when I find one I latch onto her and I practically worship her. I don't feel inferior or anything its just I pretty much fall in love with her without the physical attraction part. It just gets out of hand sometimes.

It happened years ago too and it nearly destroyed me. Krystyna was that way with me but we've always remained close in a very intimate way. We've only had one really big fight and I've never felt like I needed to be on guard with her. I love both of those girls. I guess this is my livejournal tribute to them. I'll have to make a complimentary photo set too. Actually a video of slow moving slides of me and them together.

God I'm such a freak.

Its funny how the only time I can post livejournal entries is when I'm fucked up. My weekend was pretty legit. I think I'm in for some good times. Or maybe its because I'm drunk. But for the first time ever I feel like I actually don't need speed. Whenever I think of it I completely cringe because it kind of sickens me at the moment. And I've had this feeling for a couple of days. Its a very nice feeling in the fact that I really don't need adderoll to have a good time.

I finally met Nick LB! Hes so fucking cute and really goddamn nice. I met him at this woods party on Friday. There was this other kid, EJ, who I had a crush on but its damn hopeless. Straight! Hes exactly my type though. He may be a little young for me but anyone with long hair, a nice smile, and looks like there eighteen is perfect. It was funny after I left though. I got completely hammered and afterwards Adlai and I left so I could drop him off at his house (and I had to get home it was 2 in the morning). So I decided when I was at his house (after picking up a 50 bag of maryjane) that I should stay the night because I'm too drunk. So Adlai brings up the idea of smoking some marijuana. I was too drunk to resist so we consequently smoked out of Justice. Now for all of you people out there who don't know who justice is let me fill you in. Its Adlai's bong that makes you extremely fucked up. Bad decision on my part. So when I took 2 hits of it I was blazed out of my fucking mind. I remember wandering into his room and going on to his computer. I was slurring my words and I had no idea what the fuck was going on. This is what happens when I smoke pot in response to my medication. I was so fucked up. But do you want to know the good thing? I refrained from freaking out! For the first time I was so fucking fried and I didn't even begin to cry in agony. I actually enjoyed it a tiny bit. It won't happen for a while though.

Saturday I was too burnt out to move.

Today I chilled with Alli and Shannon. I realized how good vodka actually is. I can't wait for Wasted Wednesday this week.

I'm sorry for this extreme drug and alcohol entry but I have nothing else to talk about. Probably because according to my therapist I don't do anything besides get fucked up. Maybe I should work on that...

Love

Everyone either really hates or admires Nancy. I'm in between. She was kind of ridiculous today though. I'm so sick of school functions where we have to deal with diet freakin soda. So Emma got her boyfriend Kenzie to buy regular caffeinated Pepsi for us. Unfortunately right when we opened it and poured it about halfway in our cups Nancy came stomping into the picture and tore away the Pepsi from our sugar fiending hands.

Now I know its a rule that we can't drink caffeinated beverages, but it is clearly allowed in the case where we bring it our fucking selves. Emma and I told a bunch of the teachers that they took it away from us and they even thought it was ridiculous.

EVEN Jeffrey did. He was saying we could keep one bottle and Nancy was like "NO!", they even started fighting.

I think Nancy needs to stop binge-smoking crack and settle down a little.

There are other times though where I actually like her. Like when she isn't tyrannizing the school with her outrageous rules.

Peace!

It's both hilarious yet scary when your friend yells out the window at a group of homeless guys, "hey can you get us booze!?" then we get a homeless guy to come in the car to drive to the nearest liquor store

this is what we resort too when Carly forgot her fake ID

So for the first time in the last decade I'm going to post a non-emo entry. How tasteful am I?

My therapist brought up a good point tonight. I'm always the type who identifies as "fucked up" or "drug addicted" or "depressed". Why do I have such a negative view of myself? He said that for once I should try to shed some light on my soul. I love my therapist so much. He practically saved me I have no idea what I'd do without him. I'm thinking of creating one of those bracelets. The ones that say "what would god do?" but instead it would say "what would Jason do?" Sometimes I refrain from doing stupid things because I remember he would think it "ineffective". He always yells at me for that though because he says its better to do it for myself.

Oh so wierd. Today when I was taking the bus to Harvard Square I had a pleasant surprise. You know how bus drivers are usually fat and ugly? The guy driving the bus was FUCKING HOT. It was unbelievable. I wanted to stop and stare at him and say "why the fuck are you driving a bus when you could be modeling for D&G?" He had adorable aviators on and dark, short hair with the perfect amount of sideburns. He seriously looked like a high class fashion model. He had the right face shape and the perfect body. Maybe hes mentally retarded or something because its seriously damaging to his youth to be sitting on his ass driving a bus. Stretch marks WILL come.

I always wonder of my future career. I do not want to be a janitor or bus driver oh please. I'm always worried that if I fail out of school that is what I will become. Those jobs are so degrading. I would never get any ass if I met a guy and was like "Hi I'm Matt and I'm a bus driver for the Massachusetts Transportation Authority". The person would probably just walk right out the door. God it comes down to dictating my life over whether or not I will get some cock. Damn you hormones I shall conquer your invalid ass one day.

Its not one second that I go through life not wanting a boyfriend

the enormous amount of longing will eventually drive me off a cliff

God PLEASE send me a guy I want, a guy that I am attracted to!

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Horray for sanity! Magically I did not indulge in any substance this weekend and felt abnormally better. Hmm I wonder if theres a link there...

Dirk's birthday was actually quite fun. We sat and gossiped about useless bullshit (as in every knitting circle only this involved thai food). I sat there the whole time thinking to myself "wow I actually don't need to snort lines or drink 10 beers to my face to make myself enjoy this". It was highly comforting.

Tomorrow I'm finally getting a taste of Fenway Community Health Center. I think I'm going to hang around there in a skimpy outfit with a lollipop to pick up some guys. Jason told me he sees lots of guys in carpenter boots there. Is it becoming in for gay men to dress up as masculine construction workers? Please and I will pray to God that it is a new trend.

Today on the Red Line I blatantly eavesdropped on teen conversation. Well it wasn't that hard because they were standing pretty close (it was rush hour) and they were practically screaming at each other. They seemed to be from another planet (aka New Orleans) and visiting Boston. They just finished their last minute overbearingly expensive clothes shopping. One of them was a guy and obviously gay. I constantly had eye sex with him but either he didn't notice or he wasn't interested. He's one of those guys that I'm horribly afraid of. Kind of the ones that are so sure of themselves and extremely sane. The ones that look good and have beautiful boyfriends and always know what to say. Yes I tremble before them. I always feel so left out and so ostracized when I'm around them because I know I'm not one of them. As Jason puts it I'm one of those self-identified "insane drug addicted foolish faggots".

So speaking of which whenever I meet those guys I get extremely nervous and tend to blurt "Hi I'm Matt and currently I'm abstaining from many stimulating drugs". That will send them off but thanks to Beacon (and Adlai) I have become an expert on censoring.

Happy Days and now I need to actually do some school work.

I felt as if I embarressed myself yet again last night. I'm so sick of a lot of things and I'm entirely hung over. I ran around the room asking people for coke or speed which makes me feel as if Sasha is somewhat annoyed with me for doing that. I just get slightly out of control when I'm drunk. I didn't make it home until three in the morning and I skipped school today because I felt like death. I feel as if I shouldn't have left Adlai on his steps throwing up and looking like he was going to pass out. I had a really good time last night but I just make such awful decisions. Everyone usually says "then stop getting intoxicated" but I don't want to.

I feel as if people go through the same shit anyway. Last night this guy Brad was hitting on Krystyna like there was no tomorrow. I was quite jealous because I had a crush on him. I even told him but he dismissed me like I was days old cereal.

So usually when I'm hung over I'm hit with this temporary bout of depression. My inability to attain the only desire that overruns my body just makes it worse. I sit here wishing he was gay and he was interested in me. There was a bunch of douche bags last night too of course who gave me the evil eye constantly.

I really need to have better attendance in school because I'm slipping into the no credit line. Why is it every time I write in my livejournal I'm in a bad mood. Sorry for my emoness.

I had this intense dream last night. It was about this guy who I constantly have a crush on even though hes in college now and I was never really sure if he was interested in me. Hes gosh darn cute though and so fucking interesting although a bit wierd. Anyway the whole dream we were cuddling, making out, and having sex. I'd have to say it was the best fucking dream I've had in a while. I wish it was a wet dream. I haven't had one of those in a while.

I had the wierdest weekend. Friday was so much fun. I abstained from uppers, just telling you that now and damn proud of myself. Me, Alli, and Tiffany went to this woods/campfire party at Garfield in Lexington. It was fucking great. We all got insanely trashed. Tiffany ended up puking and passing out behind a rock by nine o'clock. I had an adventure going back to my car with two boys I don't know to get beer. One of them kept saying "I'm going to fuck that girl Alli tonight, I want to so badly" and I kept saying "I'm pretty much one of her best friends and I'm standing right here douche bag" but he was pretty hammered so he didn't really understand me.

Anyway the stupidness didn't really start until Emma called and told us to go to Ray's house because he was having a party. The first half hour was fun, got more drunk, and I got to chill with Lauralee, Becca, and Erica! It's really been a while. So they left eventually and not even five minutes later some guy came running into the apartment saying "the fucking police are roaming the parking lot" So we kind of all sat and chilled in Ray's living room doing our best to stay quiet. Then we heard these loud knocks on Ray's window. Everyone fucking rushed into Ray's dark kitchen in practically two seconds. Three minutes later theres loud bangs on the door "POLICE!" About seven people run in Ray's bedroom, turn off the lights, and just sit there in the fucking pitch ass dark. I was slightly freaking out because I hate the pitch dark. At one point Alli starting throwing up in a bag on Ray's bed. Ray comes in and tells us we'll have to chill in his dark ass room for an hour until the police and some douche bag undercover cop leave.

We finally end up getting out around 1130. It wasn't that bad considering I was pretty drunk and I was indifferent to the whole mess because of that but it was quite annoying. I was still proud of myself for not doing uppers.

Saturday was stupid.

-Matt